New guy

We have a new guy at work. He sits behind me and is very quiet. Having him there reminds me of the last new guy who I miss. This new guy doesn't enjoy me shooting rubber bands into his cubicle or making fun of his political party. This guy does not seem as amused when I threaten to toss random items (one dirty sock) into his Jeep when he removes the doors in the summer. I am guessing part of it is this new guy doesn't have a Jeep and rides the bus.

At first the newest guy behind me made me think of one of the Gibb brothers. He is very young and has a long, full head of hair and a very full beard. I felt better thinking the guy behind me had a partially unbuttoned shirt showing off his crazy gold medallions. Bee Gee's music always makes me feel thoughtlessly happy. Like I imagine dumb people feel everyday...happy for no reason...happy because their head is filled with nothing other than pink cotton candy and it smells nice. That is the Bee Gee's to me. Like the perfect buzz that you only get once a year and it lasts for under four minutes, but you expect it every time you drink.

My buzz was taken away when old new guy suggested the newer guy looked more like the above picture of the Ben and Jerry guys...the one on the left. He was right. Then it occurred to me how totally unappetizing super-seriously-hairy people are when it comes to ice cream. It is about 90 degrees out today, but looking at this guy made ice cream seem utterly foul. Like all the warmth a hairy guy puts out would just melt that ice cream more quickly than I could enjoy it. Then I am left with brain freeze because I have to eat it too fast. And who would pay the extra money for Ben and Jerry's or Haggen Dazs if you are sitting near a heat wave of hair. You would start to settle for a McDonald's cone or something generic left in your freezer from the last tenant that is covered in thick freezer burn, much like the beard above.

Going to the other extreme, enjoying a cone with a freshly waxed companion would be like having dessert with a worm. I am certain worms don't enjoy their food because they are too busy surveying their surroundings to see if they are about to be stepped on. It would be like eating with someone on a crazy acid trip.

This is what I learned so far from the new guy. To be perfectly safe in the future, I will only eat ice cream alone so as to protect the valuable experience.