Monday, July 14, 2008

Buck


We came home one day to a lamp knocked over and large dust bunnies in the middle of the kitchen floor. After checking the house to ensure nothing was missing and no strangers were hiding behind the shower curtain, we tried to ignore it.

As we start dinner a flash of black fur races by. I turn to see a frozen-guilty-looking-squirrel that has come out from under the refrigerator bringing additional dust bunnies as his back up army. He seems honestly surprised to find me there. His tiny nose begins moving, probably smelling the sloppy joe’s I am making, perhaps hinting that he and his troop would like to stay for dinner. I silently point him out to Dan not wanting to say anything rude in front of him because he seems so jumpy and unpredictable, like a squirrel with a very bad coke habit.

I realize the only way to get rid of him was to stab him with a nearby paring knife, which means the loss of the utensil, but am willing to make the sacrifice in order to remove this intruder from our home. While raising the knife slowly over the squirrel like a scene from a horror movie, Dan grabs the broom and opens the front and back doors. Dan, the committed pacifist, has miraculously found a way to both eject the uninvited dinner guest while sparing the squirrels life. After some chasing and running back and forth, the squirrel flies out the door and I secure the locks just to be safe.

After our first encounter with the squirrel, we began to notice him running onto the porch as we leave the house, like he’s waiting for us to get out of his place. Since he does not have a key, he can only peek inside the windows or relax under the shade of the porch. His hesitation waned and he started sprinting onto the porch to settle into his favorite position, flat on his belly stretching out his arms and legs as if he were mimicking a tiny rug someone would make from squirrel skin.

Dan named him Buck. Buck enjoys the vegetable garden behind the house, especially the tomatoes. He sits on top of the grill, speedily nibbling through the shiny-red-cherry-tomatoes. I suppose he gets a whiff of charcoal and burgers and envisions a freshly grilled burger complete with fresh tomato topping. You can see Buck has that kind of sharp imagination. Instead of using the garbage disposal, we now pass leftovers onto Buck.

For Halloween, we had several small pumpkins on the front porch perfect for Buck’s petite build. Dan carved a jack o' lantern leaving all the seeds and pulp inside for Buck. Buck found his way inside the jack o' lantern stuffing his small squirrel mouth full of pumpkin and then falling asleep inside the pumpkin.

It is surprising how well things have turned out for Buck and me since I tried to stab him when we first met. Perhaps all those leftovers made up for my near violent attempt on his life or he might be a squirrel with a spiritual side that believes in forgiveness.

Friday, July 11, 2008

I once loved a Volvo



I always wanted a Volvo. I started loving Volvo's in the 80's when they were boxy-shaped and looked so stable and safe. We purchased a Volvo wagon that was the color of a perfect cranberry at Thanksgiving with caramel-colored-leather interior. It was like a delicious-homemade cobbler on the cover of Martha Stewart Living.
The car came with features I never learned to use, yet I liked knowing they were there. The Volvo had tiny windshield wipers on the headlights. I couldn't locate a button with which to turn them on, but I believed when I needed them on a future rainy night, that the very button would magically appear. This miracle would happen because this car wanted to keep me safe.

What I fantasized about my dream car, turned out to be very similar to past relationships. This Volvo should have been left as a mediocre-one-night stand.
Instead, I kept with it, certain it was the love of my life. I just had to have faith in its ability to morph into what I needed it to be and ignored its lack of reliability, instead, relying on its looks, slick extras, and uppity reputation.
I fell in love with the way we looked together, rather than the shame I felt making another call to AAA for a tow, and the heart palpitations I felt with weekly trips to the mechanic after receiving another repair bill.

I would see other people driving around town with the same make Volvo. They appeared calm and able to focus on their driving. Meanwhile, I was trying to drive with my head tilted perfectly away from the dashboard with a minimum of one eye closed to block my view of the check engine light glaring at me. I made a habit to slam the car door shut as hard as I could. I imagined the car might truly feel the physical pain and begin to understand my anger and hurt. In defiance, the car switched on another mysterious light, filling up the dashboard like it was Christmas.

Like in past relationships, I stayed too long. I stayed with the fantasy instead of heeding the flashing red warning lights screaming at me that I am no auto mechanic or shrink or brain surgeon that can change anyone’s or anything’s DNA. This car let me down, left me stranded, and stood me up. I could have changed my hair, lost weight, and read more books, but the results would have been the same and I would be left with a negative balance in my emotional and fiscal savings account.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

New guy


We have a new guy at work. He sits behind me and is very quiet. Having him there reminds me of the last new guy who I miss. This new guy doesn't enjoy me shooting rubber bands into his cubicle or making fun of his political party. This guy does not seem as amused when I threaten to toss random items (one dirty sock) into his Jeep when he removes the doors in the summer. I am guessing part of it is this new guy doesn't have a Jeep and rides the bus.

At first the newest guy behind me made me think of one of the Gibb brothers. He is very young and has a long, full head of hair and a very full beard. I felt better thinking the guy behind me had a partially unbuttoned shirt showing off his crazy gold medallions. Bee Gee's music always makes me feel thoughtlessly happy. Like I imagine dumb people feel everyday...happy for no reason...happy because their head is filled with nothing other than pink cotton candy and it smells nice. That is the Bee Gee's to me. Like the perfect buzz that you only get once a year and it lasts for under four minutes, but you expect it every time you drink.

My buzz was taken away when old new guy suggested the newer guy looked more like the above picture of the Ben and Jerry guys...the one on the left. He was right. Then it occurred to me how totally unappetizing super-seriously-hairy people are when it comes to ice cream. It is about 90 degrees out today, but looking at this guy made ice cream seem utterly foul. Like all the warmth a hairy guy puts out would just melt that ice cream more quickly than I could enjoy it. Then I am left with brain freeze because I have to eat it too fast. And who would pay the extra money for Ben and Jerry's or Haggen Dazs if you are sitting near a heat wave of hair. You would start to settle for a McDonald's cone or something generic left in your freezer from the last tenant that is covered in thick freezer burn, much like the beard above.

Going to the other extreme, enjoying a cone with a freshly waxed companion would be like having dessert with a worm. I am certain worms don't enjoy their food because they are too busy surveying their surroundings to see if they are about to be stepped on. It would be like eating with someone on a crazy acid trip.

This is what I learned so far from the new guy. To be perfectly safe in the future, I will only eat ice cream alone so as to protect the valuable experience.